It's a trend that's been spiralling out of control for years but after being bombarded with trailers for The Underdog Show and seeing snippets of this year's Celebrity Scissorhands, I've reached breaking point.

We all know the definition of 'celebrity' ain't what it used to be but when the best they can come up with are The Apprentice's Lucinda Ledgerwood (dippy beret-wearing blonde) and Raef ("words are my tool") Bjayou as their supposed stars it's time to switch off your set in protest.

Scissorhands must have one of the most depressing line-ups in TV history, with ex-EastEnders actress Shana Swash, R&B singer Jay Sean and Stedman Pearson from 80s pop group Five Star.

Altogether now, whooooooooooooooooooo?

Scraping the barrel is too generous a description.

These programme makers clearly haven't even got one.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not completely against celebrity reality shows.
I'd rather go without chocolate for a month than lose Strictly Come Dancing.

But Strictly is the Chanel of the genre, compared to bargain-basement bilge like Cirque de Celebrite; Celeb Air; Celebrity Love Island; Celebrity Wrestling, The Farm and Wags Boutique.

And with these pitiful excuses for entertainment rapidly taking over every one of our zillion channels, it's no wonder there aren't enough decent celebs to go round.

Almost by definition anyone who signs up for a reality show isn't that busy, so programme-makers generally fall back on those whose careers are in decline, if not over, and those notorious for their roles in previous reality shows.

The true meaning of celebrity became seriously blurred when Big Brother came on the scene in 2000 and we entered the Heat-inspired cult of non-celebrity.

All of a sudden ordinary people who should have disappeared after their 15 minutes of fame were being treated like stars.

Madness descended and before we knew it Jade Goody was a millionaire.
You can't blame the wannabes, Z-listers and has-beens for wanting to take part in shows like Dancing on Ice and The Games.

There's an obvious appeal.

Look how Myleene's career went stellar after showering in a white bikini in the jungle.

And Kerry Katona also has I'm a Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here to thank for her return to the limelight – although most of us wish she had stayed in the rainforest for good.

And Jordan, or Katie Price as she now prefers to be known, first won over female hearts with her plucky efforts in the bush tucker trials.
But it's up to the producers to have a bit of quality control.

Certain boxes should be ticked before you can claim your show stars celebrities.

If shown a photo of said 'celeb' – can at least 25 per cent of the UK population name them?

Did they become famous for something other than starring in a reality TV show?

Have they been famous for more than a year?

If any answers are no, they don't make the grade.
But even better, for all those people who wish celebrity reality TV would eat itself, I've got a plan.

Programme title: Celebrity Cannibal Island.

Tagline: Nobody gets out alive.

I think I could be on to a winner with that one.


Hunky Monkey


LOOKING at the photo of Ugly Betty's Coach Diaz in last Tuesday's column got me thinking we could do with a regular hunk of the week – you know, to keep our minds off the credit crunch.

So, here for your delectation this week is the adorable Alex Turner, of the Arctic Monkeys.

I guess "hunk" isn't exactly an accurate description but he is adored by many a lady, including this one.

Anyone that effortlessly cool, with such an incredible voice, who can write lyrics like he does, wins my vote.

I saw him in the flesh at the fab new Leeds Academy last week when my fave band, his side-project, The Last Shadow Puppets played there.

And I was looking forward to a double dose of Turner-itis as I had tickets to see Arctic Monkeys at The Apollo, a film shot on their 2007 world tour, showing at Vue cinema on Kirkstall Road last Tuesday.

Sadly for me, work got in the way – don't you just hate it when that happens?

So, alas, there was no monkey business for me that night.

It won't stop me going ape over him though.


Choc 'til you drop


OCTOBER is now officially one of my favourite months of the year and who can blame me, when it contains both Shopping Week and Chocolate Week?

For anyone unaware that last week was Chocolate Week, don't worry, I'm pretty sure I scoffed enough to make up for it.

But apparently it's not my fault I'm so greedy.

It's the credit crunch wot made me do it, guv'nor.

A study by Aldi has found us Brits are reaching for the choccy bars as comfort food in these troubled times – with nearly 20 per cent of those surveyed consuming more sweet treats to make themselves feel better in the last 12 months.

Hmmm, I think some naughty people might just be using the Crunchie, sorry – I mean credit crunch, as an excuse to stuff their faces.

Well let's not get carried away ladies, otherwise the only items we'll be buying at Shopping Week next year will be a truckload of Bridget Jones-sized hold-em-in pants.